ED: What you have done to me
Posted by Sarah Emerman on Fri, Apr 09, 2010 @ 01:40 PM
This post was written by a client at our center. It is published with her permission in hopes that it will inspire others to work towards recovery.
Even though you, ED, made me so sick, I liked it in a way. You were what I treasured for so long. You were mine and you controlled me. I stopped caring about my health and started adoring my protruding bones and my twiggy arms and legs. I felt accomplished for starving myself and eating less than X calories everyday. You made me brag about my illness and deny that I was sick. I liked that feeling of emptiness that you gave me. You gave me something to be proud of. You made me feel and look truly thin for once in my life. You made me numb. You made me tough and strong. You made me stand out.
ED, You also:
Made me drop to a dangerously low weight. Made my whole body weak. Made me depressed and irritable toward others. Made me restrict like no other. Made me lose hair. Made me grow lanugo on my body. Made me get edema. Made me cold all the time. Made me lose my athletic/fit body. Made me very self conscious. Made me get headaches. Made me shake and feel numb. Made me feel faint. Made my arms so small I can fit my hand around the upper part. Took away sleep. Caused nightmares. Messed up my digestive tract. Told me I was worthless and didn't belong in the world. Told me lies. Made me lie, a lot. Made sitting down hurt. Made me not care. Hurt my heart so badly and made it weak. Put me in the hospital. Took me away from school, my friends, and my goals. Took over my time and thoughts. Made me so sick. Made my body twitch. Made me fear dying, soon. Made my clothes fall off me. Made me lose my period. Took away my "glow". Made my chest hurt. Made me orthostatic and dehydrated. Denied the good things in life. Ruined a part of me.
ED, I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go quite yet. Someday, though, you will be banned from my life; escorted out of my dreams and goals. You will no longer have hold of my entire being. I promise you this ED; your time is running out. You might as well start packing. I'm slowly losing interest and desire for you. It's almost time to say goodbye.