This letter was written by a client who has been in our adult day treatment program. It is published anonymously with her permission.
Dear Eating Disorder,
Let me start by saying I do not hate you; You are a part of my past, my story, my journey. Unfortunately, I can no longer be a participant in this relationship. Sure, on occasion you seemed to regulate uncomfortable emotions and give me a sense of confidence, but it was all an act.
First of all, times of positive thinking were few and far between. Perhaps this is because you stole my ability to think for myself. You literally altered my brain in order to please yourself. I couldn't think, I couldn't enjoy the things that once brought me the greatest pleasure, and I couldn't be the person I wanted to be because you refused to loosen your grip. Somehow, you allowed me to believe that making myself sick was some sort of accomplishment. As if the ability to ignore good sense and run myself nearly to death was a testimony of my strength when in reality you once again distorted my thoughts and made me think that because I was not listening to myself, I had will power and self control, when in reality I had none. For instead of putting forth an effort to think and discern the correct course of action I simply allowed you to make the decisions for me and I followed your direction like a zombie.
Not only did you change the course of my thoughts, but also my relationships. You were so controlling and overbearing you could not stand if I directed my attention away from you. I'm sorry but I cannot be in a relationship that does not allow me some space. There is so much to be gained from others. Lessons to be taught, wisdom to be learned, and a camaraderie and bond that can stand in any weather. Thanks to you, I was robbed of these experiences because you would not allow me to connect with anyone but you. You pulled me away the minute things started to look up and knocked me down.
You also stole my childhood ED. No little girl's first memory should be seeing her reflection and thinking "I'm fat, I'm not right". Why would you do this to a child? I was so innocent. I did you no wrong yet you still forced yourself upon me and took over my life. I didn't even have a chance to be carefree and confident, not even in my youth. My childhood was spent feeling inferior. The things you forced me to do are things no one should ever experience. Instead of hanging out with friends, I laid on the bathroom floor, sick as ever. Entire weeks of school were missed due to the pain and illness you caused. When I recall high school I do not think back to the dances, football games, or parties with my friends, I think of the four walls of my bathroom and the emptiness in my (stomach) and my heart.
Anorexia, you were controlling, isolating, and heart wrenching (literally). Bulimia, you were erratic and painful in more ways than one. I am finished with you both. You have done enough harm to me and my family. I no longer believe your lies and I KNOW I am an individual capable of great things. Guess what? I learned a few things this year. When you would step out for just a minute, leaving me alone with myself, I clawed my way to a higher ground. Now, I have reached the top and have only to break the chains and leave this relationship behind. I need someone who likes me for all I have to offer, not someone who tries to change everything I am. I guess we are just not meant to be...
Should you have any questions or concerns regarding this post please email blog@eatingdisorderscleveland.org.